A few years back a dear one passed away in an accident.

So much sadness came through this body. As I said to someone, everything felt hurting, even eyelashes.

To feel sad when someone one loves goes is so human, so mammal, so animal. So embedded in these fleshy bodies.

Another feeling came and it was actually stronger.

G - U - I - L - T

Guilt

Guilt

Even more painful, more anguish, more poignant.

 

If I had been there, that wouldn't have happened, kept repeating in my head.

I had the sense of failure as I was the one that was supposed to take care of them regardless they were fully adults for many years now.

The one that was supposed to maintain everything safe forever.

Of course the mind knew that was completely illogical, irrational, non sense and still the guilt pervaded.

 

How incredible are the stories this body-mind can tell itself.

How intoxicating and addictive can be the sensation of power controlling life, the illusion that “we” are in command.

 

Childish illusion, childish love, childish belief that was the way how this body-mind system learned to cope, to be able to  go through times and situations that were overwhelming. 

It happens as part of the package of being a human, a mammal.

 

Years of grief. That sensation that is like hitting the same place where you have an old wound. Like dragging something heavy, as if your shadow weighed hundreds of pounds.

 

 A question I heard on the internet, maybe by Byron Katie, really shook me out: 

“How unconditional is your love? Can you love your dear one without asking for anything, not even to be alive?”

 

That was the click. The heart opened and tears of love fell unstoppably: so scary to drop into love like that.

That was the pain, the contained love.

 

This words came after a day of receiving Amanae bodywork:

 

I wonder

 

Were you looking at the stars?

At the mountains?

The ones you love so much

 

Was your gaze slumbered inside?

 

Did you find the air gentle with you?

Did the silent shield your breath?

Did the night sing a lullaby?

Did the sleep come softly and tenderly?

 

Was the moment caressing your head

Your body

Was the dark dark enough to guard you

Was it sweet enough?

Warm enough?

Was the earth generously delicate cradling you?

 

Did you dream of me?

 

28 - 09 - 2024